Originally published on Shine Cancer Support.
When something terrible happens, we don’t know what to say.
We spend our schooldays learning how to play the recorder, apply Pythagoras’ theorem and recite Shakespeare verbatim. We spend no time at all learning how to be human and deal with the pain that life inevitably brings.
I’ve spent hours agonising over what to say to friends going through hard times before. Then my cancer diagnosis came, and I had absolutely no idea what I wanted people to say to me – I just wanted to know they were there. I’m writing this so that when someone I love receives a shocking diagnosis, I’ll remind myself of what helped me, in the hope that it might help them.
Say something true
When a cancer diagnosis, or any manner of hard things happen, it feels impossible to know what to say. It feels impossible because it is impossible. If there was something to say that would make things better, we would sure as hell know about it. But there isn’t, and in an attempt not to worsen things, we often say nothing or far too much.
The most reassuring messages I received went along the lines of ‘We don’t know what to say. / I have no words. / We are shocked and sad. / This is unbelievably shit. / You must be feeling all the emotions. / I’m thinking of you so much. / Sending all my love.’ They felt honest and real, because I was shocked and sad and didn’t know what to say either.
If you don’t know what to say, but you’re heartbroken and can’t stop thinking of them, say exactly that.
Sound like you
I also liked it when people wrote me a message that sounded like them. I’ve been guilty in the past of Googling “what to say when someone has died/is ill/is heartbroken” and writing:
Dear [name],
[Insert combination of phrases that Google spits out].
Love Laura
I don’t think that was the right thing to do, if only because it feels wrong to Google how to speak to someone you’ve known for years. Stock phrases are better than nothing, but I liked it best when people’s messages came from the heart. If u av txtd lyk dis 4eva, then expressing your deepest heartfelt condolences in beautiful prose sounds inauthentic. Sound like you.
They are still them
Always remember that the person in pain is still the person you know and love. I liked it when people spoke to me as Laura, not as a cancer patient. Sometimes I wanted to talk about my cancer and the latest Strictly Come Dancing elimination in the same breath.
A cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment will be all-consuming and overwhelming, so people need to be reminded of who they were before the diagnosis. Although they might still be reeling from the aftershocks, they are still in there somewhere, buried under the rubble.
Show that you’re there
Cancer is a lonely thing to go through. I was enveloped in a bubble of love and support, yet nobody could do the treatment for me. Nobody else was carrying the weight of the malignancies around, or the physical side effects of the treatment. I felt like my friends were ticking off major milestones, while I lived in waiting rooms, wondering if those milestones would ever be possible for me.
Messages as simple as “Thinking of you” were powerful. Maybe other people were out there living their lives, but they were carrying me with them. I wasn’t getting left behind. If you don’t get a reply, don’t worry; they’ll know that you’re there when they eventually need to reach out, even if it’s months down the line.
Give them time
In the aftermath of my diagnosis, I oscillated between hiding away from the world, being a wounded animal screaming out in pain, and offloading everything to whoever crossed my path. I was angry, delirious, in denial, stunned, grasping and trapped. I needed hope and action but didn’t want to accept them. Sometimes I wanted to laugh, sometimes I wanted to cry. I felt intensely vulnerable, but also fiercely protective of myself. I wanted comfort, help and distraction, but also for everyone to go away so I could get my life back. I wanted people to say exactly what I needed to hear, but I didn’t have a clue what that was. I felt all these things all the time.
A cancer diagnosis comes with a lot of feelings that will linger on long after active treatment has ended. Initially the person may be in such a state of shock they aren’t able to respond, but there’s time for this. They are in it for the long haul: a diagnosis will likely affect the rest of their lives.
So, give them time; they need all the love and support they can get, even if they don’t know it yet themselves.
∞
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I felt alone in a very dark tunnel. Nobody could go through the tunnel with me, but they could visit, provide hugs and snacks, and support me through it. Their words shone rays of sunlight into my tunnel, keeping me going when I couldn’t see the light at the end.
So even though it’s impossible to know what to say, how to say it or when to say it, it’s really important to say something anyway. Don’t worry about getting it wrong, just show them you’re there. Don’t leave them alone in the tunnel.
Write them something, be it a text, an email or a card. These can be picked up in the middle of a sleepless night and provide a physical reminder that you’re not alone. In their darkest times the words you write will become a bridge between their tunnel and the outside world.
It is a great irony that when there are no words, words are often all we have. Yet when words express love they mean everything, because love is what will get us all to the other side.
Laura writes... 