How to Help Someone with Cancer (Part 1)

Posted on by lauraricecake

I know what it’s like to be a cancer patient, but I don’t know what it’s like to help someone through treatment. It must be awful to watch a loved one suffer, and not be able to do the one thing you want to do most – take the cancer away from them. The only thing you can do is provide love and support, which, from my experience, is as critical as the drugs to getting them through treatment.

The tricky thing with cancer is that everyone’s situation, diagnosis, treatment regime and side effects will be different. Even two patients with the exact same diagnosis will need different things. There are commonalities though, so, in no particular order, here are ten tips for helping someone with cancer.

Be there

Showing up matters.

That could mean visiting in person, being at the end of a phone, or sending a text every so often to see how they’re doing – it all counts. Even a short text saying “Thinking of you” is helpful. People’s words were the lifelines I clung to during all the ups and downs of the treatment rollercoaster. While I didn’t always have the energy or headspace to reply, knowing other people were rooting for me was incredibly powerful. A cancer diagnosis is too much for one person to carry alone.

10 easy ways to be there…

  • If you’re sick, be there virtually instead of physically until you’re germ-free. Chemo patients have weakened immune systems, meaning a minor infection could result in hospitalisation.
  • Be there for the long haul: they’ll probably get lots of well wishes following the initial diagnosis, but less so 6 months or a year down the line. Keep checking in.
  • Messages like, “Thinking of you, [little update about your life], no pressure to reply” are great. Sometimes questions can be overwhelming – the patient is already dealing with so much.  
  • Let them know you missed their presence at things you would usually do together. Tell them that things weren’t the same without them. This makes them feel less isolated and still connected to the world.
  • Sending a message saying, “I’m here to chat anytime” is incredible, but follow it up with a message saying, “I’ll call on Saturday morning if you want to chat – no pressure to answer.” They’ll know you’re serious then and won’t worry about burdening you. Sometimes I really wanted to chat, but approaching people felt strangely daunting.
  • Give them time. It might be years later before they reply to you, but they’ll know you’re there when they need support.
  • Maybe you’re not that close and only have one chat with them throughout their whole treatment. But that could be the time when their immediate support network is at breaking point and your support could carry them through to the next day.
  • Even if you’re not a close friend, you probably know something about them. Maybe you were their climbing buddy, a fellow music enthusiast, or shared a passion for a particular place. Express your sympathy when you hear their news. As time goes on, keep talking about your shared interests, maybe comment on the latest episode of your favourite TV show. Better still, offer to watch it with them during treatment.
  • Don’t hesitate to reach out, even if you don’t know them well. Reach out anyway and say how sorry you are that they’re going through this. It’s powerful to know that strangers are thinking of you.
  • Be there for their immediate support team, they need help too.

Educate yourself

Learning about cancer effects and the journey your loved one is facing is one of the best ways that you can help them. You might not know the medical specifics, but having a general idea of what they’re going through will help. For instance, if going through chemo, they’re probably immunosuppressed, they might lose their hair gradually, they’ll have days when they feel okay, days when they need to sleep, treatments will be postponed if blood counts are too low, and they’ll be juggling numerous appointments and medications between treatments.

Sometimes it’s exhausting for the patient to keep explaining everything (although most of the time they’ll be happy to talk about it), so understanding their experience means a lot. They will feel supported and reassured knowing they can just be because you “get it.”

Useful resources for learning about cancer are:

Offer practical support

Being sick is a lot of work. There are never-ending appointments, phone calls, drugs to take, side effects to content with and new skills to learn. I used to think cancer would be something I did on the side, but quickly found out that normal life is done on the side of cancer treatment, when there’s time and energy for it.

If you’re close by, offering practical support is an incredible thing to do for someone. Be that lifts to appointments, shopping, cooking, cleaning, going to the post office, keeping others in the loop, walking dogs, looking after kids… anything that takes something off their plate so they can focus on treatment will be much appreciated. Food is always welcome! (Although be aware they may have nausea, taste changes or dietary restrictions.)

If you’re in the area, an easy way to offer practical support is to say, ‘I’m passing by today, can I pop in/bring you anything?’ – don’t drop by unannounced. If you are visiting, be mindful that cancer patients often struggle with fatigue, so don’t stay too long. The cancer patient will probably have no clue what they need, so, as a general rule, feed them, and if you see something you can help with (like taking the bins out) just do it.

Treat them as themselves

They are still the person you know and love, so treat them as you always have! You might fear what is happening, but talk to THEM, don’t let your fear talk to the cancer. In hospital they will be known by a number and a scan result, so remind them of who they were before the diagnosis, of who they still are beneath it all. I remember friends seeming equally surprised and relieved that I was still the same person when they visited. But despite the medications, I still felt like me, I still enjoyed my favourite shows and activities, I still wanted to see my friends – I just happened to have cancer. Cancer is scary enough without having those around you look at you with fear in their eyes.

Respect their wishes

There isn’t a rule book on how to deal with a life-changing diagnosis, so it’s normal that everyone will handle it differently. Some people might want to vent their frustrations from the rooftops, others will want to hide away and shut out the world. Both approaches are fine, so respect whatever your loved one has chosen to do. It may make no sense to you, but the whole loved one having cancer situation makes no sense to anyone.

Accept what they want to tell you. When my diagnosis came, I felt incredible private and protective of it. My knowledge of it was all I had control over, so I clung on tight, wanting to keep it to myself for just a little longer. But what I wanted to say and feel changed as I went through treatment and will probably keep changing as I go through recovery. Diagnoses, like griefs, are deeply personal, sacred experiences and it’s an honour when someone shares their most vulnerable, tender truths with you. If they do, thank them for sharing and for allowing you to be privy to their situation.

5 tips down, 5 tips to go. Click here for Part 2!

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