How to Help Someone with Cancer (Part 2)

Posted on by lauraricecake

Here are five more tips for helping someone with cancer. To read the first five, click here for Part 1.

Gifts will brighten their day

Thoughtful gifts are always a great way to brighten someone’s day and remind them that they’re not alone. Here are some ideas:

Personalised gifts:

  • You know them best, so how about a surprise package of things they love?
  • If you’re into knitting, crocheting, painting, drawing, writing, or any other creative pursuit, make something personal for the patient.
  • Make a little photo album of memories you’ve made previously.
  • Get a gift card for somewhere you know they love.
  • Write them a card or a letter, talking about happy memories you’ve had together and ideas for future adventures.

Gifts that focus on healing and resting:

  • Anything to keep them comfy – slippers, blankets, heat wraps, warm socks, cardigans…
  • Candles, face masks, things to relax and destress with.
  • Did you know that some local bakeries offer delivered goods…?

If going through chemo:

  • A tin of boiled sweets – they can help with nausea.
  • Skincare products or lip balms made for oncology patients (often fragrance-free as cancer treatments can cause skin changes):
  • Stuff to keep them entertained during chemo:
    • A book that’s easy to read
    • A journal
    • Puzzle books
    • A nice pair of headphones
    • A list of recommendations of movies / books / podcasts / audiobooks they’ll like.
  • My fantastic friend Kim put together a ‘chemo pack’ personalised for me, a large bag to carry to treatment containing a book, drink, snacks, ear plugs, a blanket, a pillow and a personalised playlist. Everything was purple because she knows me well.

If going through hair loss:

Contrary to common assumptions, not all cancer treatments involve hair loss. But if they do, some things that will be useful are:

Flowers

  • Flowers – I absolutely love flowers, I’d fill every room with them if I could! Some companies even have the option of including a vase if you’re not sure whether they have one. (Love Delivered and Bloom & Wild are popular and both offer letterbox flowers).
  • On the other hand, if they’re not into flowers, Not another bunch of flowers provide pre-made giftboxes for cancer patients that don’t include them.

But, in all cases, it’s the thought that counts! Don’t worry if you’re not sure whether they will like something or if they have it already. I’ve never been keen on pineapple, but I was so touched when a relative gave me one because she’d read that they help to keep your mouth moist during chemo. It showed that people were thinking of me, and that meant everything.

Validate their feelings

Become comfortable talking about cancer, so you can provide support no matter how they’re feeling. If they feel like crying, let them. If they want to laugh, plan, and ignore cancer for a while, let them. If they want to laugh and cry in the same 5 minutes, that’s okay too, it’s all part of the emotional rollercoaster they’re on right now. Whatever emotions they’re going through are normal, so lend an empathetic ear and remind them of that. There’s nothing you can do to fix the situation anyway; they just want to be seen and understood.

Consider your relationship with them too. If you’re close, gently encourage them to keep going during tough times or be there when they need to vent. Understand how they cope – some may need help to balance the sadness with some fun, others may need help processing their feelings. Be there for them in a way that aligns with their coping style.

Cancer diagnoses seem to attract a swarm of people straight from the staying strong and thinking positive camp. And the thing is, the patient needs this camp of people, they really do. They’ll stay positive for the patient when they can’t themselves. They will be the strength that will carry them at their weakest. But there needs to be an outlet for grief somewhere – negative emotions can’t be dismissed because they don’t fit in with the strong and positive vibes. So, if anger and sadness are coming out on a particular day, don’t bat them away with a positivity cliché. Meet them where they’re at.

Refrain from giving advice (and other things to avoid…)

“If I were you, I would…”

Personally, I think the phrase “If I were you, I would…” should be banned from our vocabulary. It’s a surefire way to invalidate any feelings they may be sharing with you. The two main problems I see are:

  1. You are not them and never will be.
  2. If you were in their position, you’d do whatever is right for you, which is 100% likely to be different to what is right for them.

Unless you’ve been through their exact diagnosis, it’s probably best not to give advice on how they should handle the cancer (if you’ve been there, you might be the light at the end of the tunnel that they need). Equally, if you know someone who has had their illness, best to avoid comparisons like “they managed to keep working throughout it all,” as two people on the same treatment regime can have very different experiences of it.

“How long is this going to go on for?”

How long is a piece of string? They’ll probably tell you they’re doing x months of chemo, or x sessions of radio, but the scans and check-ups will continue for many months after that. The psychological effect may last years. This question also has the added effect of making it seem like the patient’s treatment is a problem for you.

“Isn’t that the good cancer?”

…to a cancer patient sounds like “what are you complaining about?”

A cancer diagnosis is a cancer diagnosis, there is no such things as a good cancer. There are treatable cancers, but treatable cancers still have to be treated, which often involves months of gruelling medications, side effects and grave long-term consequences. There’s also the unbearable uncertainty of how and if the person will respond to said treatment. Let a cancer diagnosis be what it is, just that. Don’t weigh it down any further with baggage about your perceived severity of it.

Don’t ask for favours or place demands

The person with cancer has just had their world turned upside down. The psychological stress that comes with receiving a life-threatening diagnosis is immense and the subsequent treatment is gruelling. Their brain is mush and that’s before the steroids get involved. They are likely doing everything they can to keep going and hold it together, but they simply don’t have the capacity to take on any extra favours for people (or the guilt of having to say no). They are under immense pressure right now, and the overwhelm that accompanies the addition of more demands is likely to cause them to crack.

Mind your own body

Cancer comes with a lot of changes to body image, be that weight gain, weight loss, hair loss, skin changes, scarring/surgical changes, lymphedema (swelling in arms or legs) and many more. The patient will be excruciatingly aware of this and probably feels extremely self-conscious. Sadness over, for example, hair loss goes way beyond the surface – it’s symbolic of the whole experience they are enduring. I remember feeling so nervous about what people would say the first time I wore a new wig, or went without my wig. I felt naked and vulnerable, as these changes were constant reminders of the cancer.

Commenting on appearance is loaded at the best of times, particularly now when it feels like their cancer defines them. The patient never asked for the illness, and their health and appearance are not public property for scrutiny. How they choose to handle their changing body image is their business only. While they may be happy to discuss this with you, let them initiate the conversation.

When I saw my cousin for the first time since treatment, she threw her arms around me, gave me a massive hug, then looked me in the eyes and said, “It’s so good to see you!” It felt like such a relief to not go straight into talking about the wig (and therefore the cancer). So instead of seeing them and immediately commenting on how well (or not) they look, whether they have hair or not, or their general appearance, greet them with a hug and a smile, say how happy you are to see them and ask them how they are today.

Bonus tip! The Ring Theory: Comfort In, Dump Out

When Susan Silk had breast cancer, she came up with the elegant and effective ‘ring theory’ to handle crises and offer support. Imagine a series of circles, like concentric rings, with the person at the centre of the crisis in the smallest circle, and the people in their life in a series of larger rings. The person in the smallest ring can whine, complain, cry, be angry and express all their feelings to anyone, anywhere. Everyone else can (and must) do these things too, but only to people in larger rings. If talking to people in a ring smaller than yours, the goal is to provide comfort and support. In other words, comfort in, dump out. So yes, the person in the centre ring is getting a lot of help and attention and support, but as Susan concludes, life will ensure that, in one way or another, we’ll all get our chance to be in the centre ring at some point.

None of this is easy. You’ve all be thrown together in a ship on a dark night in a stormy sea. The patient at the helm has no clue what’s going on or how to survive. The passengers have no clue how to help. Nobody wants to be on the ship. You’ll all inevitably say and do the wrong thing, if only because the person who’s just had their world turned upside down is likely to exhausted, drugged and a little bit touchy. It’s complicated and it’s messy, so forgive each other often and take heart from the fact that all storms eventually end.

In the long run, the person in the eye of the storm won’t remember the things you said or did ‘wrong’, they’ll just remember that you were there, and you kept showing up and trying. Ultimately that’s all that matters. Getting through cancer really is a team effort, so be there for them, treat them as themselves and meet them where they’re at. Muddle through together, as love, support (and a bucketload of medications) are what will get them through this.

Summary of the tips (clickable links):
Be there
Educate yourself
Offer practical support
Treat them as themselves
Respect their wishes
Gifts will brighten their day
Validate their feelings
Refrain from giving advice (and other things to avoid…)
Don’t ask for favours or place demands
Mind your own body
Bonus tip! The Ring Theory: Comfort In, Dump Out

One thought on “How to Help Someone with Cancer (Part 2)”

  1. Pingback: How to Help Someone with Cancer (Part 1) – Laura writes…

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